31 Dec 2010

Right Wing Kermit

I'm back!
After a resounding two comments, I decided to go a-hunting ...and I bagged this little beauty!!
The world can't live without seeing this gem. This, is Mr Hitler's finest hour...

It isn't easy being a green fascist.

29 Dec 2010

One Last Try

Right. I've fiddled with my blogs settings, and now I think any old person can comment.
So this is my last go. I seriously have lost my will to look for tat.
Never ever thought I'd say that.
So, if you enjoy having a look around my collection of rubbish then let me know in this post.
Because I feel like a jerk wasting my time.

28 Dec 2010

I'm Fed Up

Had enough today. Sick of doing a blog no-one is interested in.

27 Dec 2010

Chin chin!

I'm actually going out for a drink tonight! Well it is christmas! Found these clips to get me in the mood. Line 'em up my good man, sorry madam! Think her name is Beatrix (Prrrr-Tshh!!)...

Question is, should I have a little something extra to kick off with? Maybe a little Jagerbomb?

Please drink responsiby (that means no dancing).
Not having a repeat of the last time I went out (guess which moves were mine)...

Please dance responsibly.

25 Dec 2010

It's Officially Over

Don't worry, I'm not ending the blog! I can hear well over two people crying out Nooo!!! as I type!
Of course I mean that christmas is over. I would have enjoyed it more, had I not been full of flu.
That was my secret santa present from someone at work this year. Thanks guys.
Next time, shower gel and chocolates will be just fine.
At least Granddad enjoyed his pressie this year...

We don't let him babysit, no.

Twat Of The Week

Since it's festive time, think we should stick with the bad sweater theme.
This guy gets my vote as the Perviest Twat at the annual staff party...

I reckon his chat-up line is "Ladies, I see you admiring my jumper snake, well... how would you like to see my trouser snake? Oh yes!"
Greasy twat.
P.S. I've just noticed what he's leaning on. Very funny, snakes and ladders.
Stupid greasy twat.

24 Dec 2010

20 Dec 2010

A Train Of Thought

Got a bit of a head-ache today, think I've got a lot on my mind.
Things just keep going round and round my head.

It's been one of those days.

19 Dec 2010

Xmas Gadgets

Have you done all your christmas shopping then? Got everyone decent gifts? Or have you just stopped off at the local store and bought a multi-pack of condoms to share out? Nice!
Make mine banana flavoured please!
Well if you haven't quite finished getting those special items yet, then check out the latest hi-tech gadget out this year, the new Mactini...

I love new technology, don't you?!

Charlie Says...

When I was a youngster, this is how we used to do it. Deal with it.

Kids... don't take drugs.

17 Dec 2010

Twat Of The Week

Ah the golden days of Channel 4! For our viewers abroad who regrettably are quite oblivious to the phenonemom that is Countdown, this is a T.V. word game show that has been on our screens since 1982. Contestants battle it out to win a dictionary. Oh yes.
Sadly the snazzy jumpers seen here have dried up in the past few years, this image is from the halcyon days when a twatty celebrity guest was guaranteed every day either in the shape of the pithy Gyles Brandreth or the pissy Richard Stilgoe.
Take your pick as to which one is this weeks twat.

On The Eighteenth Day Of Christmas

Making Eyes At You

The eternally wonderful David Attenborough, reminding us why only science and logic has the answers we need. Please use your eyes wisely, and read more than one "good book"...

And to seal the deal properly here is my favourite scientist of all time, Richard Feynman...

Finally to bring things back to The Guano Gallery level, here's a bit of eye candy...

Oh yes.
(Put your eyes back in now)

16 Dec 2010

At Home With The Missus

Just another ordinary day. Cup of tea with the wife etc... nothing unusual here.
Unless of course you take issue with our garishly painted yellow radiator. Bit weird that I admit.

Nice little Prrrrrp at the end too!

Chairman Ow!!

As promised here is a return to the school of silly shit.
Plain and simple now, it's a classic comedy formula... 1C + 1F = 1PPP
(Where C stands for "chair", F for "fat bloke", and PPP stands for "pissed pair of pants")

We're back baby!!

14 Dec 2010

Karaoke For The Deaf

Marvellous stuff now from the brilliant David Armand. Any fans of this one should sniff about on youtube where he's done a couple more. There's even a version of this he did with the lovely Natalie herself. Phwoaarrr!!

One day when I write something funny I want him to be in it. (As long as he hasn't retired by then)

13 Dec 2010

Wanna White Chistmas?

What better way to get in the christmas spirit than to get out in the garden and make snowballs. Well, snowcock and snowballs to be precise. And then film your mum thumping down your big erection. Careful though mum, you'll end up getting white stuff all over your gloves. Again.

12 Dec 2010

11 Dec 2010

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas

Peter Lorre Peter Lorre Peter Lorre

Going out on a limb here, and will probably lose my three viewers with one daft clip, but this is my new favourite song, about one of the finest dudes from way back...

...and no, I've no idea what the lobster is doing here either.

10 Dec 2010

Twat Of The Week

It's "Spot The Twat" competition this week folks, and I've set you all a real tricky one!
(Hint: You're looking for the one with ridiculous headwear)

"One day a mild-mannered man was bitten by a radio-active twat and turned him into... SUPER-TWAT!!!"

Cheetah Vs Turtles Head

This is defintely "one-in-the-eye" for snooty nature-lovers...

Take that, you moustachioed twat!
Shame we don't see the intrepid explorer getting a mouthful of a lions bar too. Rraarrrr!!!!

9 Dec 2010

Chemical Party Anyone?

No, not one of those parties. This is strictly for geeks only.
Naturally I went ..and made a complete Arsenic of myself.

My ex-girlfriend turned up too, dressed as Uranium. Think I may have over-reacted a bit...

7 Dec 2010

High Five Etiquette

I know this is seen by most viewers, (I laughingly say "most", when what I really mean is "both")
but it doesn't do any harm whatsoever to have a refresher course.
Please please people, be careful out there and watch out for the "Ball And Socket". I witnessed one at work last week and it was not a pretty sight..

Oh and always, always remember... don't go in too soft.

6 Dec 2010

Midget Blue Monkeeeey!!!

Cannot think of any words to do justice to this clip! Skip to 1min20sec for the money-shot.
Suppose that should read "monkey-shot"...

Wha-poww!!!! Thank God for mexican wrestling!

5 Dec 2010

Kevin Turvey

Lesson time kids. Heard of Rick Mayall? Well done. Give yourself a tick!
Heard of Kevin Turvey? No, didn't think so. It's a wally character he used to do in the early 80's, who had his own TV Special once called "The Man Behind The Green Door".
Anyway this you either know and don't care about this, or don't know and don't care.
Point is, you're wrong... it was marvellous.
Enjoy a bit of silly classic silliness...

Lesson over. Ooooooo-oooh!!

3 Dec 2010

Arsen About...

Wahaaayyyyy!!!!!!!! This guy is guaranteed to brighten your day up!!
(Just don't have him round to your place)

I've now watched this three times in a row and it gets better every go! Although I still can't figure out why he hates the paramedic so much. Maybe he saved his wife...
View this at it's full potential here on youtube, well worth it.

2 Dec 2010

Dear Santa... I've Been A Good Boy!

I'm writing my list for Christmas, and these are a definite need...
First off I want a new rug that looks like a stamp. Who doesn't?
It's a must for every rug-licker in town! To be honest I just want it so I can watch my cat drag it's arse across Her Madge's face and bring a smile to my mine! (But not hers, sadly)
Buy it from the site here (if you have a spare grand or two)

Right, next on my list? Why, only a new shiny knob of course! This will brighten up any glory-hole activities this, it's a door-knob that shows exactly what is going on inside the room...

Have a good ol' perv of your nan on the bog, or simply keep an eye on the wife with this smashing new invention! Check it out here.
What else is on my Santa-list? Well, a sausage sandwich for breakfast off Nigella Lawson would certainly kick my Christmas morning off to a good start. Failing that, I'll settle for a simple gulp.

This is the nerdiest thing I have ever seen. And this comes from someone who owns a periodic table tea-towel. Click here for a "klein bottle" bottle opener. For the "normal" viewers... a Klein bottle is a non-orientable one-sided mathematical manifold, (two mobius strips joined together) a shape with its outside also on the inside. It contains itself. Look, I like maths shit, so go fuck yourself okay?! (Just like a Klein bottle in fact)

1 Dec 2010

100 Dollar Bills Ya'll!

This is how they do it in Alabama. The home of drive-by's and bitch-ho's.
The hood's certainly been good to this fly boy. (They have a Wendy's on every street corner)

Does it feel good in your hood tonight?

27 Nov 2010

Sleigh Bells A-Jingling!

The festive season is officially upon us once again!
It's not me saying that, but Mr Santa Claus himself! He certainly looks full of "christams spirit" in this CCTV carpark footage. So much so in fact that he feels compelled to share his flash of glee with two lucky passer-bys. Almost all over their shoes!

Ho ho ho!!! (Put your arse away Santa, you're scaring the kids)

25 Nov 2010

Thanks For Joining us!

I'm in the wrong job. I want to be a Graphics Director on Public Access Television, just like Art Hansen. And I want it to be 1977. Now.

The Rise Of The Idiots

Are you cool? Are you? Check out these three clips to see.
Question 1: Are you a Nathan Barley? Do you keep it foolish?

Question 2: Are you in a band? Are you a bedroom philosopher?

Question 3: Look in the mirror. Are you a dickhead?

If the answer to all three questions is yes, then please please kill yourself.
Stick a tube up your own rectum and chow down on brown till you drown.

Waiter There's Something In My Soup

Went out for a spot to eat last night. To be honest the leek soup disagreed with me a bit and I had to have my shirt washed in the kitchen. Still, the waiters were quite nice about it really.

Think it's best if I don't go back for a while though. Odd night, all in all.


When you see a good clip, you just "know".

Click here to see the The Ultimate Slayer Fan
(By the way, whilst looking for a picture of a fat goth I came across a website called Anus.com.
Please please don't click on it. It's not nice)

22 Nov 2010

Magic And Rock? Yes Please!!

You'll like this, but not a lot.

Nice tits.
You know the best illusion he pulled off? Only persuading everyone he had a full head of hair. Don't know how he did that one. It's all done using mirrors apparantly. Although judging by his outfit he hasn't been near a mirror in quite a while. Fat git.
P.S. I've just checked his Myspace page to find out his name.. Devlin Magic!!
His favorite band is Def Leppard, and as for his status? Yes, he's single.

There's A Star-Man Waiting...

Anyone who's ever enjoyed a bit of sci-fi won't do much better than to try my friends new blog...

Click here for Set Phasers To Fun
It's out of this world! (Yes we've established I do naff jokes, now get over it!)

21 Nov 2010

Don't Watch

There's something quite fine about this short clip...

Apparantly this what my missus says I sound like when I talk to the kids. Don't talk rubbish.

19 Nov 2010

Is Ammonia Flammable?

Old? Had a stroke? Shitting in a bucket in the kitchen because you can't get up the stairs?
Maybe it's time for a little one-way holiday to Switzerland?
Sod that Granddad, get down the pub, and do it in style like this guy!
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you... The Great Omani!!

Bit mean of his carer to handcuff him as well though. No respect some people...

Finger-Ducking Good

X-Factor? Shove it up your arse.
That's certainly what this "plucky" chap did, back in good ol' 1925. Take it away Gus Visser..

What a motherducker! (Nearly works) Thought maybe if he had a slightly younger duckling on each finger, he could've had a full scale and played quite a merry little tune! Perhaps "Don't Duck Back In Anger"? Sorry. Awful jokes, I know, but get used to it!

Bit Of A Splinter There, Mate

Either this unlucky chap has sat on a park bench slightly too quick, or he's passing the mother of all logs! Anyone think of some more gags for this soft twat?

I'd add "wahay you've got wood", but that's the sorriest little knob I've ever seen. Poor fellah.
In fact I'd recommend they leave the log there and just whittle the tip into some sort of helmet.

A Quickie On The Stairs

We're stepping into my dreams now, a recurring dream about steps.
I shit you not, I do this every night!
What? Everyone does don't they?
Please reassure me that you all dream you can slide down the stairs in your shoes?
I almost soiled myself when I seen someone actually do it!!

Oh forget it people. Honestly.

18 Nov 2010

Markets of Britain

Most of you are too young to remember the days before mum went to Iceland and bought the families individual quiches for the week. Well, here's how it got done back in the day. Really.

Big thanks to Serafinowicz and Popper for the clip. Very nostaglic. "Keep walking..."

Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Dirty Secrets

Who's waiting to see an old guy with his wand out, getting finished off in an epic climax?
Just about every child in the country, that's who!!

Click here for: Harry Potter And The Gobble Of The Pheonix

Remember though, most people vomit the first time.

16 Nov 2010

This is how we rollin'...

Athough to be fair the boys in blue do a sterling job under quite difficult cicumstances.

DJ Format

There seems to be one or two individuals who think this cat is "not hip to the groove", or "down wid the hommies". Well let me tell you siree bob that I got more more street than milton keynes. Oh yes, and they've got a lot of streets. So... quit yo jibber jabber and get down to the beat, ya bunch of mo-fo's.

Kick it.

15 Nov 2010

Inception Cat

It's time to turn up the silly dial a notch or two. Get ready to have the bejesus scared out of you!

This is now in my dreams. Oh the irony...

14 Nov 2010

Dirty Monkey Business

Most people have already seen this, but this site wouldn't be complete without it. So, crack open the Asti and turn on the Barry White 'cos its time for a bit of monkey lovin'!!

Go on my son, give Kermit one for me!!

Pilkington At His Finest...

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, hermaphrodites and eunuchs... come and wonder at the amazing freak of the western world that is... The Man With A Head Like A F**king Orange.

13 Nov 2010

Carrot Porn

There's nothing I enjoy more on a sunday afrnoon than popping on a Nigella Lawson DVD and peeling away at my bulbs, and then getting the gravy ready. You should see my wife's face when I'm finished...

I have one burning question...
Is this still going to make me blind?

12 Nov 2010

Big Ghoulies!

Who likes having the willies put up them?
We all do, right?? Right well check out this twisted site...
Just try not to get ectoplasm all over your screen.

11 Nov 2010

Educational and Informative

Always good to share knowledge.

Learn from others mistakes...

The Wheels On The Bus Go...

Thunk. What an absolute bell-end...


One day I'll write somehing of value...

Maybe tomorrow...

Fucking Tony Hadley

This is pure class... please try not to wet yourself.

Visit the man's site here and enjoy more... http://www.touretteskaraoke.com/

The Ballad Of Vincent

Pray silence please, for The Master Of The Ceremonies, the one and only... Vincent!! God Bless Fox News and God Bless America for celebrating the mentally different.
PS apparently they let this chap make a whole movie. If anyone can provide a link, then this is the place to do so!

Go on my son!!