Brrr... Brrr...

Hello internet? Can you stop all this shit on my screen please?

Hello...?

Baaaaa!!!!

Are you a sheep? Well are you? And I'm not referring to the bits of poo hanging off your arse.
(Although you really should sort that out, you know)
Here is juvenile excercise about people-herding, a pointlessly shitty clip that made me smile. And therefore perfect For The Guano Gallery!

Cats Are Croissants?!

Dear God i think I've drunk too much wine.
Have I really just found this?! And have I really just posted this?



I hate myself.

Holy Jesus

No, I haven't been staring at dogs arses all night. But maybe now I will!

Oh I feel touched! For the religious people out there, please feel free to kiss this...

Do you think people will hold religious vigils at this? I wouldn't light any candles though guys...

The Evolution Of Seinfeld

I'm not giving Jerry Seinfeld his own place in The Comedy Collection wing of The Gallery, but I did want to put him up here generally for people to consider.
Now I'm not knocking him, I think his comedy is lovely stuff, but consider the following two clips. Let's start with his first HBO special, back in 1981...



And now let's check out his appearance on The Letterman Show, in 2010...



It's uncanny isn't it, you wouldn't believe this was the same person, would you. (For the more simple of viewers, that was a bit of the old sarcasm there). How anyone in this day and age can keep the same format and style going, (and winning), for 30 years is beyond me. I could understand it happening back in the old days, but not in modern times, can you? Not sure whether to say "fair play to you" for keeping it up for so long whereas other comics have lost it and churned out countless misguided drivel, (you listening Steve Martin?). Or I don't know whether to berate the guy for "playing safe", not having the gumption to take any risks, or try and evolve his ideas and take it to another level. He hasn't even got the balls to change his hairstyle for crying out loud! I think probably the latter.
If you aint pushing things along, then why bother standing up?
Having said that, it is quite a good gift he's got. What do you guys think?

Meet Dwight David Honeycutt...

Here is his local political video, he's running for a seat on the Conway School Board.
Please vote for him, he's a great guy!
(Slow-burner this clip, but trust me, it'll make you smile! Has a slightly "Spinal Tap" feel to it.)



"My momma had 64 hours of labour, ...she pushed so hard she shot a turd that knocked the doctors glasses off".  Ruddy bloody marvellous!!

I Shouldn't Laugh But...

Damn you internet, you naughty naughty thing, you.

Twat Of The Week

This one's a biggie!!!

(For those not in the know his name is Biggins... hence the pun)

And in case you were wondering... yes that is a fruit you can see!

You Lent Me A Tenner...?

Here is the paradox of the worlds economy explained in less than 3 minutes...

A Banana In A Hat

As ordered. Delivered in full.

No slip-ups.

Forgive Me Father For I Have Sinned

Oh sweet baby jesus, guess what I've just found. Only a sweet baby jesus.
A sweet baby jesus... butt plug. I shit you not.
And you would indeed not shit with this little holy thing shoved up your... thingy hole.

I urge everyone to pop along to this lovely website, Divine Interventions, where all your "persuations" are catered for, from the "jackhammer jesus" (remember: feet first on this one), to the Moses tickler (watch him part the pink sea!). Just watch out for burning bushes on that last one.
There's even a death-shaped dildo! Think this will be the one to finish you off!
Oh I love the internet!!

Benny Hinn And His Amazing Healing Jacket

Behold the healing powers of polyester!! Bit of faith-healing now, from one of the best!
Has he got quiffy hair? Check!
Has he got a white suit? Check!
Has he got absolutely no grip on reality whatsoever? Check!!
Slightly sinister undertones to this performance, which I suppose is inevitable with this kind of puritanical piffle-peddling pap. Nice and camp though!




Go on my son, twat those gullible fatties! Thwack!!
I like to think maybe he's just got a very sweaty jacket and they don't like the whiff!
I find I can achieve similar results with the wife and a pair of my pants.

Feeling The Wind On Your Skin

Ah The reat Outdoors! What a lovely photograph, definitely one for the album...

Just a shame the shadowing on your knee makes it look like you're showing more than you would like to! What a stonker!

It's time I added someone to my list of comedy greats. Today I present... GEORGE CARLIN.

Born in America 1937, this man was doing stand-up since 1960 right up to the year he died in 2008. Not too widely known over here, save for the savvy connisseurs, in the U.S. he was heralded as one of the outspoken mavericks of comedy. Politics, religion, language and taboos were his source, and provided him with his fuel for his freight train of anger, humour and logical rants. In 1978 he was arrested for his routine all about the "Seven Dirty Words", such "was" the retardedness of the government.
This man was, plain and simple, a stand-up comedian of undiluted acerbity for decades. This is my favourite clip, where he outlines the ridiculous notion of religions...

This is bookmarked as essential viewing for my children, once I can edit the swearing out!
Well the oldest is only 4!  Don't really wanna explain what a cock-sucker is yet.
Maybe next year. He does however know the definition of an idiot though, someone who believes in "The Man In The Sky". Much to the annoyance of my local street preacher...

Jesus, won't someone get that poor bastard a tissue, he keeps sneezing all over himself...

Meet Paul Yarrow...

Here is The King Of The Photobomb (the act of ruining someone elses camera shot). Hands down, this living legend wins. Witness this little live report about excessive train delays, (real news), and... keep your eye out for the fat bloke with the carrier bag. Go on my son!!

Bloody marvellous. Can get a real sense of the cameraman's fury as he keeps moving around!
Apparently Mr Yarrow has been a busy boy, as reported on one naff comedy show...

Keep doing what you're doing Paul, it's the only reason I watch the news!

Life Made Easy

Radio 4 Appeal

It was only a matter of time before I started talking about Radio 4, (to my mind the U.K.'s finest invention and best institution going),  as I love it so much. Currently there is a TV advert/commercial for one of their shows, The Film Programme, being shown/aired on BBC TV which has little parodies of famous movies...

Can everyone help me name all the movies then?

I will compile a list on this post of all our guesses.

So far, I can see...

James Bond, Blofeld (re. the cat-stroking scene)

Basic Instinct (re. the legs scene)

The Full Monty (re. the pants-off scene)

The Wizard Of Oz (re. the red-shoes scene)

The fellah with the plaster on the back of his head, what the hell is that movie?!

And of course, the music is from one of the best films ever, Withnail & I.

(Google it!)

Book Porn

This is a guilty pleasure of mine. I know it's not normal but I just can't stop looking.
Please won't someone reassure me that they love this website too... book porn

Look I never said I was normal, did I?

Take A Walk On The Far Side

It is becoming more and more apparant that hardly anyone remembers the cartoons of Gary Larson. And it becomes more and more annoying because most of the people I work with look exactly like they are lifted directly from one of his comic creations.

I urge everyone to go to Amazon and buy a book of his cartoons, you will not be disappointed, I promise! I've just checked, and they are only a penny each!!

(By the way, if you do, then can you use the "search box" at the bottom of this site. Thanks!)

Two words: Gere, Richard

Playing With Yourself

Came across (not like that) this simple and silly little game which I ended up playing for over half an hour of my life... spikes can kill you

Oh you'll feel a prick playing this. Many times.
This was time wasted I'll never get back. I do feel sorry I made you play this tatty game as well.
We could've been looking at a whole world of rubbish in that time!
So be careful people, play this game at your own peril!

Twat Of The Week

Time we had a bit of glamour on this feature, don't ya think?

Now I don't know about you, but there's something about a lady wearing a pair of glasses that really gets my pulse racing! And what red-blooded man doesn't enjoy a sexy peep-hole bra, eh? Come on! (Disclaimer: scrolling down is not for the faint hearted)

Phwoaarrr!!!!! Who wants to see her Tw*t Of The Week?!
I imagine there's quite a sight to see if she is wearing matching crotchless panties.
Be like a big burst bag of offal...

Kyle Kinane

Here is a man with a funny name, being funny. No joke. Well okay, there are jokes.

Actually they're more of observations really, but just get off my back okay?!

No, I've never heard of him either. Not bad though, is he! Aint the internet marvellous!

Orson Welles On Cold Reading

Here is the "War Of The Worlds" guy raging war on the "other world"! See what I did there?!
I made a very poor joke, that's what. Anyway, let 'em have it Orson baby...

The Dude Abides

There's a documentary that's been made, we all need to go a-hunting for!
Don't worry it's not "Big Jugs Extravaganza - A History Of Pottery In The 16th Century" again.
It is in fact "Jeff Bridges - The Dude Abides" from PBS’s American Masters series.
And here is a clip, in which he visits "the little lebowski shop" and meets some valuable members of society...

We could hardly let this moment pass without playing a little clip of the movie now could we...

Fuckin' A. And for those of who have never seen The Big Lebowski then shame on, guess you've got some homework to do!

Wild Things On The Move!

My favourite picture of the week!

I'd love to know where they are going! Anyone who doesn't get the childhood reference ought to check out this classic story from 1973...

I'm not a total troglodyte, I am fully aware it was a book first. But hey, what shuts the kids up more at dinner-time, a tired old reading from a tired (oldish) daddy, or a fun fun DVD? S'right.
And hey, I've just noticed they've made a new movie version of this tale, only last year! Here's the trailer for it...

Would it be childish for me to watch this movie at the weekend? Good, I'm doing it then!!

One Man Band-Saw

Check out this Latino guys skills! See if you can guess what he’s making before the end...

Nice! Now, who wants to come to next years Band-Saw Convention?!
I wonder if there's a sand-paper section...

Dear God!

I'm not going to bloody confessional here...

"Bless me Father for I have sinned."

"On your knees then..." (Ah the jokes are endless!!)

Putting The Boot In

Bit of "backroom politics" for you there, off the hoof! (Prrr-Tshh!!!)
(I know it doesn't quite scan, but gimme a break!)

Twat Of The Week

Quite simply entitled "The Twat And The Cat"

Never trust a man who tucks his shirt into his pants.

The Perfect Dinner Party Guests

More on the relationship theme, this time it's Peter serafinowicz showing us the way.

Well, kind of anyway!

Hands up who knows a couple like this...

If you don't, then I'm afraid it's you!

Twat Of The Week

Is it a bird? No!

Is it a plane? No, it's a truck!

Yes I know it's not Superman. And yes, I know it's not Wonderwoman either.

But he can stop bullets.

With his fat arse.

A Ladies Man

Here is... The Dude.

He is going to tell us all the mysteries of the female world. And hopefully how to bag a few.

Pen and paper at the ready people, 'cos this guy knows his stuff!

 

I think his next question was "Why do all women smell of mace?"